CONFESSIONS OF A THIRTY-SOMETHING YEAR OLD
Confessions From Your Happy Friend
First of all, I’m depressed.
Waking up and putting my two feet on the ground is dreadful, and most days I don’t want to be out of my house. I suffer from complex PTSD and can only usually get a normal night’s rest after I take my medication or else I’m fighting trauma-induced nightmares.
The perfect distraction.
I keep myself with work and side jobs where I am continually outpouring to others and giving freely of my time, energy, assistance, and spirit. I genuinely love encouraging others and being as happy as I know how.
The truth is that I’m not okay, and I haven’t been in a long time. Everyday I’m a work in progress.
Keyword: Progress.
Sometimes I feel obligated to make those around me smile, laugh, and feel comfortable and honestly it’s exhausting. This role wasn’t assigned to me, but it certainly is easier to do that than be the friend who complains about life. Who likes to be around a Debbie Downer?
Although I have been the happy, strong friend, I am far from the perfect friend. After holding this trophy, I am tired. Once I get home, the day almost seems like a blur. But I made it even if I had to drag my feet.
Then I become the tired friend who doesn’t respond to messages or return phone calls. Instead, I retreat to laughing at funny memes on the internet or catching up on current events — anything to not face my own thoughts while honestly forgetting that I “promised to get back to you.”
Then I become the shitty friend who only reaches out to have a good time all the while struggling with my very own internal battle.
No need for the novel of a text message, I guilt-trip myself just fine.
So I’m sorry I forgot to call you back so you can vent about your terrible relationships. I was trying to fight through my own.
I’m sorry I forgot to call you back to help you with your legal paperwork. I got overwhelmed with my own.
I’m sorry I forgot to respond to your text when you asked how I was doing. I didn’t know how to answer and didn’t want to lie. I just didn’t want to overwhelm you with my shit.
As I give myself to everything and everyone to distract my inner thoughts, I’m also losing pieces of myself. I know that I have so much love and laughter to give, but so did Robin Williams, Anthony Bourdain, Chester Bennington, Kate Spade, and the list goes on.
“Check on your strong friends. They’re usually the ones bleeding in silence.”
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
The Lifeline provides 24/7, free and confidential support for people in distress, prevention and crisis resources for you or your loved ones, and best practices for professionals. If you’re thinking about suicide, are worried about a friend or loved one, or would like emotional support, the Lifeline network is available 24/7 across the United States. You can call 1–800–273-TALK (8255) or chat.
Crisis Text Line
Text Line is free, 24/7 support for those in crisis. Text 741741 from anywhere in the U.S. to text with a trained Crisis Counselor. Crisis Text Line trains volunteers to support people in crisis. With over 79 million messages processed to date, they are growing quickly, but so is the need.
